Setting Boundaries, Part 2: You have your permission slip, now let's talk approach!

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brene Brown

In the last blog post about boundaries, we established that you are allowed to say no. Moreso, you are worthy of boundaries, and you are deserving of relationships that respect your needs and honor your boundaries. It can feel really daunting to set boundaries with people close to us, but in this post we’ll go through a technique that might help you feel a little bit more comfortable expressing your needs to those around you.

In the previous post, I shared some resources to get you started and help you evaluate your needs and values. If you need a reminder, you can find that post at https://www.beyondnewtown.com/post/boundariespartone. The reason it’s so important to understand our needs is that it helps us navigate where we may need to set boundaries and can also be a great tool to help verbalize why a boundary is important to us. There are countless ways that you can set boundaries with people in your life, but one method you can try is using a format from an approach called Non-Violent Communication (NVC). Non-Violent Communication is a model that aims to center compassion as the basis of our communication with others. If you’re interested in learning more, you can read about the model.

An important belief in the NVC model is that we all share basic human needs and that we are all attempting to get our needs met when we are interacting with others and in the world. Through using the understanding of our needs and the NVC model of communication, we can set boundaries clearly and compassionately. The four components of the NVC model are observations, feelings, needs, and requests (cnvc.org) .

We can use these four components to communicate with others, and it can be extremely helpful when setting boundaries.

You would start by saying something like:

“When you _____ “ and then insert an observation without judgment.

Then you would state your feeling as an “I” statement:

“I feel _____”

Followed by an explanation using your need:

“because I _____”

The final step, and where you have the ability to set a boundary, comes with the request:

“Would you be willing to_____?” or

“I would like you to_____.”

Here is an example of how the four components may sound together:

“Mom, when you make comments about what I’m eating, I feel angry and self-conscious because I need independence and safety when eating. Would you be willing to stop making comments about my food while I’m eating?” You could also say “I would like you to stop commenting on my food while I’m eating” if you prefer to not phrase it as a question.

Although this example may still feel scary to think about putting into practice, it allows you to have a format for communicating, while being sure you share your feelings and needs clearly, therefore allowing the person you’re communicating with to understand how the situation is really impacting you. Ending the statement with a request gives the person on the receiving end a specific idea of what they can do differently.

To provide another example, I may have a need to be understood when talking with a support. This may mean that it’s important for me to feel like the person I'm talking to is giving me their full attention in order for me to feel safe and feel like they are really hearing what I’m saying. If this person is scrolling on their phone while I’m trying to talk to them, I may feel disconnected and discouraged from sharing more, which may lead me to shut down and not share any more. If I’ve never expressed to this person that it’s upsetting to me when they aren’t really paying attention to what I’m saying, I can’t expect them to know (even if it seems obvious). Therefore, this is an opportunity to use the NVC model and set a boundary. This could sound like “Hey, when you’re scrolling on your phone while I’m trying to talk to you, I feel disconnected and discouraged because I need to feel understood and heard when sharing something vulnerable. Moving forward, can you please put your phone away before we have a conversation?”

With both of those examples, it’s clear how the person is feeling and what they are needing from the person they are communicating with. It’s also clear what they are requesting of the person on the other end. If you want to put this into practice, it may be scary thinking about how the other person is going to respond. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to respond warmly to our boundaries, but it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for someone else’s reaction to your boundaries. You are worthy of setting boundaries, even if it makes someone else uncomfortable. The hope of utilizing Non-Violent Communication as your format for communication is that using compassion as the basis of your communication can sometimes lead to it being better received rather than approaching the communication from a place of frustration and anger.

If you want to explore the idea of using the NVC model to set boundaries in your own life, you can find their feelings inventory at cnvc.org and a list of needs at cnvc.org. So, one more time, a reminder of some affirmations to keep in mind when it comes to boundaries:

You are worthy of boundaries.

You are deserving of relationships that respect your needs and honor your boundaries.

You are allowed to say no.

- Fie O'Rourke, M.Ed., LPC, CAADC

Licensed Professional Counselor

To read Fie's full bio, check it out here!

Frequently Asked Questions About

Communicating Boundaries

How do you communicate a boundary clearly?

Clear boundaries usually focus on your own needs, limits, or actions rather than trying to control another person’s behavior. It can help to be specific about what you need, communicate it directly, and avoid overexplaining or apologizing for having a boundary.

Setting a boundary may still feel uncomfortable, especially if you are used to people pleasing or avoiding conflict. Clear communication does not guarantee that the other person will like your boundary, but their reaction does not determine whether the boundary is reasonable.

What is an example of communicating a healthy boundary?

A healthy boundary might sound like, “I’m not able to take that on right now,” or, “I want to continue this conversation, but I need us to speak respectfully to each other. If that isn’t possible right now, I’m going to take a break and we can come back to it later.”

Healthy boundaries can look different depending on the relationship and situation. The goal is not to find the perfect wording, but to communicate your needs and limits clearly while recognizing that the other person is responsible for how they respond.

How can Nonviolent Communication (NVC) be used to set boundaries?

Nonviolent Communication can provide a framework for expressing a boundary without relying on blame, criticism, or assumptions about another person’s intentions. It encourages you to identify what you observe, how you feel, what you need, and what you are requesting.

Using this framework does not mean you have to make your boundary more comfortable for someone else. Instead, it can help you communicate what you need in a way that is both direct and compassionate.

What are the four steps of Nonviolent Communication?

The four basic components of Nonviolent Communication are observation, feelings, needs, and requests. Rather than beginning with an accusation or judgment, you describe what you have observed, identify how you feel, connect that feeling to a need, and make a clear request.

When used for boundary setting, this framework can help shift the focus away from proving that someone else is wrong and toward communicating what you need moving forward.

How can I communicate a boundary without being mean or aggressive?

Being direct is not the same as being mean. A boundary can be firm and compassionate at the same time. You can communicate what you are and are not comfortable with without criticizing, threatening, or trying to control the other person.

If you regularly worry that expressing your needs is selfish or unkind, it may also be helpful to explore why setting boundaries feels so difficult.

What if someone doesn't respect my boundary after I communicate it?

Communicating a boundary does not guarantee that another person will respect it. In some situations, maintaining a boundary means deciding what you will do if the behavior continues rather than repeatedly trying to convince the other person to change.

For example, a boundary may involve ending a conversation, limiting contact, declining an invitation, or changing how you participate in a particular situation. Therapy can also provide space to explore difficult relationship patterns and determine what boundaries feel appropriate and sustainable for you.

Can therapy help me communicate boundaries more effectively?

Yes. Individual therapy can help you identify your needs, understand patterns that make boundary setting difficult, and practice communicating more directly. Therapy can be especially helpful when boundary difficulties are connected to anxiety, people pleasing, perfectionism, self-esteem, trauma, family dynamics, or relationship patterns.

A therapist can also help you work through the guilt, fear, or discomfort that may come after communicating a boundary—which is often just as challenging as figuring out what to say in the first place.

Where can I find a therapist who can help with boundaries and communication?

Beyond Therapy offers individual therapy for adults and teens who want support with boundaries, communication, anxiety, people pleasing, relationship patterns, self-esteem, and other mental health concerns.

Beyond's therapists provides therapy in person in Newtown, Pennsylvania, and virtual therapy for clients located in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, and Florida.

If you want to learn more about Beyond's therapy team, get to know us here: www.beyondnewtown.com/therapists !

To receive email updates about future blog posts & updates at beyond, join our mailing list! Click here to subscribe!