Boundaries Part One: Here’s your permission slip; You’re allowed to say no.

Boundaries…

What comes to mind when you hear that word? Is your first reaction one of discomfort? Maybe even some anxiety? Through so many conversations around boundaries, I have learned that oftentimes people don’t react warmly to the idea of boundaries. For many people, their immediate response is one of trepidation and fear, perhaps because there is so much misunderstanding and confusion around boundaries as a whole. So many people view them as something mean, extreme, or out of the ordinary. The reality is that boundaries are actually something that can improve relationships, and every person is worthy of setting them for themselves.

There are many different ways to define boundaries, but I like to think of them as a set of rules or guidelines that help others understand how to be in a relationship with you. They actually help to improve relationships, foster connection, and deepen our understanding of one another despite many people’s fears that boundaries will push others away. That’s not to say that it could never happen because, in reality, we don’t have the power to control how others are going to respond to our boundaries. However, when done with people who value us and their relationship with us, they really do have the power to bring us closer.

In order to set boundaries, we first need to believe that we are actually worthy of setting them! Of course, we’re never going to set a boundary with someone if we feel like we aren’t allowed to. If we feel like our needs and values don’t matter, and we should just “deal with it,” whatever “it” may be, we most likely won’t feel excited about the prospect of setting boundaries with someone. So here is your permission slip: You are worthy of boundaries! You are deserving of relationships that respect your needs and honor your boundaries. You are allowed to say no.

Many of you may have just read that and thought, “Ha ha, right . . . more affirmations that I don’t believe.” This is totally fair! If you’ve been programmed to think that you are not worthy of boundaries, that you are not worthy of others respecting your needs, and that you are not allowed to say no, then those affirmations above probably don’t do much for you. However, every time we start to practice affirmations, we slowly start to show our brains that there is another way of thinking about things. It’s okay if your thought after practicing an affirmation is “that’s not true.” With time, your brain will start to build new connections and, therefore, may start to believe that there is another way of seeing things. So although it may not feel like anything is happening, trust that your brain is responding to the information you give it. This will, of course, take time so have compassion and patience for yourself and remember that nobody is a master at something when they first start.

After we begin to actually believe that we are worthy of boundaries, we can start to evaluate which areas of our life or which relationships we would benefit from setting boundaries. When we think about boundaries, we also need to think about our needs and values because often they can help us to see where boundaries need to be established. When thinking about needs, there is an inventory from The Center For Nonviolent Communication that can be a great tool to use. You can check it out ®. A good exercise to start with would be to look at the list of needs on the inventory and highlight your top 5. As for values, Motivationalinterviewing.org has a Values Card Sort that you can utilize to help you think of values. If you’re interested, you can find that here ® https://www.motivationalinterviewing.org/sites/default/files/valuescardsort_0.pdf. The cards included help you rank values as “important to me,” “not important to me,” and “very important to me.” Similar to the exercise above, start by going through them and then organize them into the categories they give you. Both of these activities are a great starting point, and you can always journal about them or discuss them more with someone close to you, like a therapist!

Now you may have been reading this in hopes of getting tips for actually setting the boundaries with people in your life, but I promise this will come in a future post! However, the truth is that if we ever want to get to the point of actually setting boundaries, we need to first believe that we are entitled to them, and we also need to be clear on our needs and values. Once we are able to do this, hopefully, the idea of setting boundaries won’t feel as daunting as it may have when you first started reading this!

In a future blog post, we’ll dive into ways to set boundaries and give you some tools that may help you. In the meantime, I hope that you take some time to reflect on the beginning steps to setting boundaries and get clear on your needs and values. I’ll leave you with a reminder of the affirmations from above . . . .

You are worthy of boundaries.

You are deserving of relationships that respect your needs and honor your boundaries.

You are allowed to say no.

- Fie O'Rourke, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor

For Fie's full bio, click here!

Ready to put boundaries into practice? In Part Two, Fie explores how to communicate boundaries using a Nonviolent Communication approach.

Frequently Asked Questions About

Setting Boundaries

Why do I feel guilty when I say no or set a boundary?

Feeling guilty when setting boundaries is common, especially if you are used to prioritizing other people’s needs, avoiding conflict, or feeling responsible for how other people feel. Sometimes saying no can feel uncomfortable even when the boundary itself is healthy and appropriate.

Learning to tolerate that discomfort is different from doing something wrong. You are allowed to say no, and another person’s disappointment does not necessarily mean that your boundary was unkind or unreasonable.

Why is setting boundaries so difficult for some people?

There are many reasons boundaries can feel difficult. Family dynamics, past relationships, anxiety, people pleasing, fear of conflict, perfectionism, or previous experiences in which expressing your needs did not feel safe can all influence how comfortable you feel setting limits with others.

Understanding where these patterns come from can make it easier to recognize when an old response is showing up in a current relationship.

How do I know if I need stronger boundaries?

You may benefit from exploring your boundaries if you regularly say yes when you want to say no, feel resentful after agreeing to things, become overwhelmed by other people’s needs, avoid expressing your own needs to prevent conflict, or feel responsible for keeping everyone around you happy.

Healthy boundaries are not about shutting people out. They can help create relationships in which both people’s needs, limits, and autonomy have room to exist.

Does setting boundaries make me selfish?

Setting a boundary does not automatically make you selfish. Boundaries allow you to communicate your needs, limits, time, and emotional capacity more clearly.

For people who are accustomed to overextending themselves or putting other people first, healthy boundaries may initially feel selfish. Therapy can help explore the difference between genuinely acting without consideration for others and simply allowing your own needs to matter too.

Can therapy help with people pleasing and difficulty saying no?

Yes. Therapy can help you understand what may be underneath patterns of people pleasing, difficulty saying no, or fear of disappointing others. Rather than simply telling yourself to “set better boundaries,” therapy can help you explore why boundaries feel difficult in the first place and develop ways of communicating your needs that feel authentic and sustainable.

Therapy can also be helpful when boundary difficulties are connected to anxiety, perfectionism, self-esteem, trauma, family dynamics, or relationship patterns.

How can therapy help me learn to set healthy boundaries?

Therapy provides space to identify your needs and values, notice patterns in your relationships, and explore the thoughts and emotions that come up when you consider setting a boundary. A therapist can also help you practice communicating boundaries, work through guilt or anxiety afterward, and recognize that setting a boundary does not require controlling how another person responds to it.

The goal is not to become perfectly comfortable saying no in every situation. It is to feel more able to make choices based on your own needs and values rather than automatically responding out of guilt, fear, or obligation.

Where can I find a therapist for boundaries and people pleasing?

Beyond Therapy offers individual therapy for adults and teens who want support with concerns such as anxiety, people pleasing, self-esteem, perfectionism, relationship patterns, trauma, and difficulty setting boundaries. Our therapists provide compassionate, individualized care and can help you better understand the patterns that may be making it difficult to prioritize and communicate your own needs.

In-person therapy is available in Newtown, PA and virtual therapy is offered for clients in Pennsylvania, as well as New Jersey, Delaware, and Florida.

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