“No, I’m Not Pregnant”: Why We Need to Stop Commenting on Other People’s Bodies

“No, I’m Not Pregnant”: A Case for Minding Your Own Body

Just several weeks after I gave birth to my firstborn, a family friend commented, “You don’t even look like you had a baby!” What a convoluted statement to endure. Here I was: a freshly new mom surviving on disrupted sleep, internally healing seven layers of my abdominal tissue, getting my bearings on taking care of this new tiny roommate and struggling to find my sense of self again. And here is someone is telling me it doesn’t even look like I had a baby. Well it sure as heck felt like I had had a baby.

Now I know it wasn’t meant to be an invalidating comment of my experience over my first few weeks of early motherhood. But her first instinct wasn’t to check in and see how I was adjusting physically, mentally or emotionally to my new role as a parent, it was to comment on my body. It was meant to be a compliment. But it sure didn’t feel like one. It felt like the only thing that mattered in the moment is how well I was doing in my body “bouncing back” after giving birth.

Fast forward almost six years later now as a mom of two and there’s been three different occasions recently of strangers asking me, “When are you due?” or alluding to the fact that I’m once again pregnant based on how my body has changed over the past several years and how my belly is shaped as of late. No, my stomach is not flat. And no, this does not automatically mean I am with child.

In one of these instances, I had a book in my arms. The person could’ve easily chosen to ask me what I was reading. In another instance, I had been waiting in a salon to get my hair cut. The person could’ve easily asked what I was planning to do to my hair that day. To me these seem like low hanging fruit of easy conversation starters. But instead, since our society normalizes asking about bodies, talking about bodies, judging bodies, these folks decided to make assumptions about how my body looked that day. Trust me, there are numerous more interesting things about me than the shape of my belly or what is or isn’t inside of it.

The harm of weight stigma exists beyond the realms of body criticism and includes body praise and compliments. Although the intent behind body praise and compliments is usually well-meaning, the actual result is fanning the flames of society’s fatphobic narrative of the thin ideal. Body diversity is real, it’s always existed and always will. And the longer we continue to strive for anything but will continue to harm all of those with a body (aka everyone) - even those who hold body size privilege such as myself but especially those with marginalized identities.

If you wish to change how you yourself speak in conversations about bodies, it may feel challenging or even awkward at first. It’s become such a normal topic of conversation when folks see someone they haven’t seen in a while or even in my examples above someone we may have just met for the first time. Struggling with ideas for small talk?

Here are some examples of how to check in with friends, family and complete strangers that don’t include an ounce of body talk. They also come in handy as ways to pivot a conversation away from body talk that someone else may have already started with you.

• What have you been watching lately?

• Where was the last place you traveled to?

• What has been your favorite experience so far this year?

• What are your plans this month?

• What was the last book you read?

• What’s been your favorite way to spend your free time?

• Have you been enjoying any podcasts recently?

• How has work been going for you?

• What have you been doing for fun lately?

These questions deepen our conversations. They shift the focus by adding more depth, interest, and value to our interactions. And most importantly, they create space to remind ourselves and others that our worth goes far beyond our physical appearance.