"Did You Do Anything Wrong?" A Question Worth Asking

Did You Do Anything Wrong? Challenging Food Guilt, Self-Blame, and Weight Gain Shame

This past weekend, I watched Off Campus on Prime after it was recommended by a friend. She mentioned that, despite being a fictional show, there were some surprisingly valuable therapeutic lessons woven into the storyline. Before I go any further, I'll note that the show comes with trigger warnings, so keep that in mind if you decide to watch it.

As I reflected on this scene, I couldn't help but think about how often food guilt, shame, and self-blame show up in the lives of my clients. However, what really struck me most wasn't a dramatic plot twist or a profound monologue. It was a simple question.

"Did you do anything wrong?"

The question came from the main character's mother at a moment when the main character was drowning in shame and self-blame. She was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, convinced that somehow everything was her fault. As I watched, I found myself thinking, "This is a question so many of my clients need to ask themselves."

In fact, I've already used it multiple times in sessions this week.

Many of the people I work with struggle with chronic guilt, shame, and self-criticism. They are quick to assume responsibility when relationships become strained, when things don't go as planned, or when someone is upset. They replay conversations, analyze interactions, and search for evidence that they somehow caused the problem.

Sometimes they have spent years being told directly or indirectly that they are too sensitive, too emotional, too much, not enough, or somehow responsible for other people's reactions. In a world where gaslighting can feel surprisingly common, self-blame often becomes a default setting.

When we get stuck in that place, it's important to slow down and ask a different question:

Did I actually do anything wrong?

Not:

• Could I have handled it perfectly?

• Could I have prevented someone else's feelings?

• Could I have anticipated every possible outcome?

But simply:

Did I do anything wrong?

Sometimes the answer is yes.

We're all human. We make mistakes. We say things we regret. We hurt people unintentionally. When that's the case, accountability matters.

But most often, the answer is no.

Maybe someone was disappointed by a boundary you set.

Maybe someone didn't like your decision.

Maybe someone misunderstood your intentions.

Maybe someone had expectations you didn't know existed.

Maybe you're simply being blamed for something that isn't yours to carry.

None of those things automatically mean you've done something wrong.The problem is that shame doesn't ask for evidence. Shame jumps straight to the verdict.

Shame says:

• "This is your fault."

• "You should have known."

• "You should have done more."

• "You should have fixed it."

But curiosity asks for proof.

Curiosity asks:

• What actually happened?

• What facts support my conclusion?

• Am I responsible for this situation, or am I simply uncomfortable with it?

• Did I violate my values?

• Did I do anything wrong?

I think this question can be particularly powerful for people recovering from eating disorders, healing their relationship with their bodies, or working through people-pleasing tendencies. So often, they have learned to assume responsibility for everyone else's comfort while ignoring their own needs.

As a dietitian, I see this play out around food and body image ALL THE TIME! For many people, food guilt has become so normalized that they assume feeling bad after eating is evidence they did something wrong.

Clients will tell me, "I'm bad if I eat that."

Others will say, "There must be something wrong with me because I gained weight."

I've heard people describe someone else's weight gain by saying they "let themselves go," as though body size is somehow a reflection of a person's character.

But let's go back to the question:

Did you do anything wrong?

If you ate a cookie, did you do anything wrong?

If you ordered dessert, did you do anything wrong?

If you ate after 8 p.m., did you do anything wrong?

If you enjoyed food, did you do anything wrong?

The answer is no.

Food does not give you moral superiority. Broccoli doesn't make you virtuous, and cake doesn't make you a bad person. What you eat has absolutely nothing to do with your worth as a human being.

The same is true for your body.

If your body changes and you gain weight, did you do anything wrong?

No!

You are allowed to gain weight. Bodies change throughout life. They respond to aging, stress, recovery, medications, pregnancy, illness, healing, genetics, and countless other factors. Weight gain is not a character flaw, a failure, or evidence that you've somehow lost your way.

Gaining weight does not make you better than anyone else, and it does not make you worse than anyone else.

What you eat and what your body looks like simply are.

And when shame tries to convince you otherwise, it may be worth asking one more time:

Did I do anything wrong?

You might discover that the guilt you've been carrying was never yours to hold in the first place.

So...Whether you're struggling with food guilt, fear of weight gain, or chronic self-blame, asking yourself "Did I do anything wrong?" can be a powerful way to challenge the stories shame is telling you.